Don’t STEAL – The government hates competition!

How do you know when a politician is lying? 
When his lips are moving!
I’d rather have a politician who became an actor than have an actor who becomes a politician!
Hit TV shows in Iraq:
Suddenly Sanctions
Kids are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things
3 kids saw Bill Clinton drowning in a river and rescued him. Bill said "Thank you so much. I will give you anything you want!". 
The 1st kid said, "I want a new pair of shoes." So he got a new pair of shoes for life. 
The 2nd kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." So he and his family flew to Disneyland. 
The 3rd kid said, "I want a wheelchair." Bill asked, "Why do you need a wheelchair?"
The kid said "I'll need one after I tell my dad who I rescued from the river today."		 There was a busload of politicians driving along a country road. They hit a tree and the bus flipped a few times. A farmer found them a few days later and dug a hole and put them in it. The next day a policeman drove past and seen the over turned bus. He asked the farmer where they all were. The farmer replied "I dug a hole and put them in it," "Were they all dead?," asked the policeman. "Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie!!
The Prime Minister of India was visiting old folks homes in Delhi for good publicity... While trying to make conversation with an elderly man, the President asked, "Do you know who I am, sir?" The old man replied, "No. But if you go over to that desk right there, they can tell you!" One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money. "You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"  "Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!" 

Politicians Definitions of Health Terms;

Barium.............What doctors do when a patient dies.
CAT scan...........Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..........Make eye contact with her.
Colic..............A sheep dog.
Dilate.............To live longer.
Enema..............Not a friend.
Fester.............Quicker.
Hangnail...........Coat hook.
Labor pain.........Getting hurt at work.
Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.
Node...............Was aware of.
Outpatient.........A person who fainted.
Recovery room......A place to do upholstery.
Terminal Illness...Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..............More than one.